#‎FireDownBelow‬  

 ▴Amazon US ➜ amzn.to/1HvQywp

▴Amazon UK ➜ amzn.to/1DgCa4U

▴Amazon AU ➜ bit.ly/1CkOCDU

▴KoBo ➜ bit.ly/166Xtej

▴iBooks ➜ bit.ly/1Kfvpmh

▴B&N ➜ TBA

Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.

Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.

How could she not fall for him? Dove’s only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start.

Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you’re not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.

Review

I can’t even begin to explain or wrap my brain around what I just finished reading. I tried to explain some of the events in the text to my husband, and he just looked at me cross-eyed and then ignored me! As I read, all I kept thinking was it felt like I was watching a raunchy sitcom with a plethora of rude and crude comments; you know the one where you keep asking yourself why you’re still watching it, but you can’t seem to change the channel or stop focusing on the events as they play out in front of you because it’s as if you are enchanted by the crazies, and with a book it’s even better because you get to decide what all of the characters look like and envision exactly what goes down when Dove and her crew of misfits find themselves in their precarious positions.

I have to say that my reactions while reading Dove’s story ranged from red hot cheeks from feeling Dove’s embarrassment to aghast noises as every awkward and inappropriate moment you can possibly imagine plays out in deliberate vividness. I wanted to grab Dove and hide her away, hoping that just maybe her foot in mouth disease would be cured and her internal monologue would no longer be what actually comes out of her mouth to those around her. But, of course, I couldn’t do that, so I found myself entranced by Dove’s disturbing attempts to sexify herself for Johnson in real life as well as THE Twitter and the play by play of the train wreck that is Duke as well as the strangely entertaining, in a rather scary kind of way, antics of Mr. and Mrs. Anastasia.

I would so love to meet all of these characters in person. I would grab a bowl of popcorn and a pen and paper to write down their running commentary because it’s all of the things you would never expect to be spoken aloud, but it’s right there, and you can’t help but blush and duck your head as it’s delivered.

I can only imagine what Ms. Anastasia has in store for her readers in Book 2. I hope there’s more from Duke’s perspective because as inappropriate that he is, I find myself rooting for the guy because at least he’s honest and real!

A complimentary copy was provided by the author in exchange for an honest review.

4 poison apples